Just Another Chapter in Life

When life gives you lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade right? Probably, or that's what I have been told my whole life. Make the bad things good, and make the good things stay good. But how are you supposed to do that when you are in a situation where there really isn't good nor bad. Life is in a stand-still right now. With a roof over my head, food in my body, trying to stay sober from any substance that could harm me, accept cigarettes, that's my safety net. Even though I now that it's gonna kill me in the end, I haven't been putting anything else in my body. I keep my distance from anything that could take me in the wrong direction, yet I don't want to. I want to find more happiness in whatever is wrong, because I feel there is something, yet I am not sure what it is. I want to know, my heart and my mind need to know, but I can't figure it out. I have a boyfriend, who makes me decently happy, and all that, but there are still issues that I need to figure out. With him, there are too many things that make this relationshi confusing. He's twenty years older, and uses substances that I shouldn't use again, yet I want to, and at least he doesn't use them in front of me. I asked him not to. He at least kept that one promise. I just don't want him to keep hiding things form me. There are things he is hiding, I know it, but I can't figure out what they are. I want him to be more honest with me, explain things, be open... That's if he wants the relationship to work... Who knows...